At times, I find myself in situations where I have to console someone, make them calm and at ease. Maybe help them to get out of sorrow, by saying positive things, by helping them be optimistic, by giving them a hug, or holding their hands, wiping their tears etc, to make them feel safe. And in these conditions, I find myself in a very confused and clueless state. honestly, I dread such situations and often end up doing nothing for them, not even say the positive stuff, or worse say something not soothing. And over the years I have realized that this state of my mind, this inability to calm or console anyone comes from my past experience, when I had no one to soothe me, to hold me and guide me to the positive side. When I was all on my own, and no one protected me. I was like a wounded soldier left behind on the battlefield, to wipe my wounds and stop my tears all on my own. So I never knew what is it like to have someone be there for you, what all the good things are to be said and what are the small steps to be taken to make someone feel assured and at home. And if I haven’t seen or better felt someone doing that, I always find myself unable to do it myself. Even though people around me, are really good at this thing, being caring and showing concern and all, but I feel it doesn’t come to you if you haven’t had the first-hand experience of it. And also, there is the thing that I believe each one of us has our different way of being there for someone, for making someone feel better. For me, my way of consoling someone is exactly the same way, I consoled myself, if I see a person crying in front of me, I would rather give them space, or maybe encourage them to cry it all out, until they cannot, because for years now that’s what I have been doing with myself, and then I would ask them to make a do or die decision, that either they can stay and stop in the moment of pain, or move ahead for the better. I know at times, healing requires giving oneself a rest, a recreation but again, that’s not how I did it. My defense mechanism has always been to attack, either my problem or myself. I remember days when I would encourage myself by (or my subconscious doing that for me), cursing myself for being weak, or like a strict headmaster who ignores the emotional needs of their disciple to make them grow stronger and resilient to future pain and sorrow. I did something similar with myself. I denied myself the luxury of comfort, of love. I know perhaps, this wasn’t that good of a choice, perhaps I should have given myself more love, more kindness but at that moment, I didn’t know what to do. Because as I said above, that’s all I knew back then, as a child left alone to heal herself, and leaving alone or abandoned is the way I have always dealt with my hurt. And that’s why I find myself incapable to do it for anyone.
However, now I know and understand better about the healing process and the needs of a human heart while in pain. Also, this fact that I read somewhere that “if you are yourself healing from something, it’s not your duty or any compulsory thing to help others from healing, just because you know how it feels. it surely is a good thing to help others but only when you are yourself in a healed state.” So I try to give myself that, that self-love, self-assurance. But still, I find myself unable to do it for others, I am trying and I really wish someday I can do for others, be for others what no one became for me, a teenager left in heaps of emotional trauma.
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